You are to blame for wallstreet’s problems, and you’re going to pay for it.

In the wake of a market meltdown, everyone’s talking about how bad it is. Silly thing, though, few people actually have any relevant domain knowledge. Even sillier, people respond in the worst possible way: they stop spending money.

Stock pricing often has little to do with a company’s balance sheet, the piece of paper that describes how good the company is at making money. In practice, most companies are over-priced based on speculation and emotion. (I love Apple! Their products are neat! Oo, Altria! What a cool name! I should buy some of it! [ed: Altria trades under MO, formally Philip Morris, the cancer-purveyors.])

But then the market starts heading south: people look at the balance sheets, start to have lukewarm feelings towards their beloved, and then — oh my god — it’s overvalued. Those golden parachute-loving bear fuckers! Sell! Sell! Sell!

I digress. Let’s talk about how this is your fault.

When the market has a correction, people flip out. With me-too attitudes, people sell their securities, move money in-between banks for FDIC protection (with a lot of hand-waving means that your deposits are protected up to $100,000 courtesy of the government), and then, worst of all, stop spending money.

In America, the vast majority are waged or salaried, and in most cases, regardless of how the market performs, take home the same pay every two weeks. While IRAs and 401ks might be going for a wild ride (which it will do through market cycles anyway), most people’s working budget remains somewhat steady. (Aren’t fixed-rate mortgages and rent contracts nice?)

However, fueled by media speculation and fear, consumers are completely reactionary. They hear “The Dow dropped 100 points on the day” (I wonder what percentage of Americans actually know what the Dow is) and think “OMG WTF the economy is hosed! I’m not going to have any money!”

Yes, you are. But, you’re not going to act like it and your not spending money is compounding the problem. When the markets’ revenues are down, it’s because companies aren’t making money. And they aren’t making money because you’re not spending money.

And as the economy crumbles, and we “need” billions — possibly trillions — of dollars in the form of a “bail out” (the terms somehow absolves certain responsible parties of responsibility) you know who pays for it? You. In the form of a loan, written by your country, to another.*

Stop trading and stop freaking out. Act as if nothing has happened; because to you, in the short term, nothing did.

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*And don’t get me started on how I feel about the bailout. (more…)

No. Let me explain.

It begins with the letter, ‘N’, and while you reckoned a three letter response, yours has only two. Not one of them is a ‘Y’, ‘E’, or ‘S’, as you may have fancied, so I strongly advise you reassess things.

It is, you’ll find, the exact opposite of your expectations. You were likely anticipating a wide smile, corners furling in affirmation; but, instead, you were met with tight lips. Do not misinterpret this as a playful “kissy-face”; inasmuch, you may sense derisive undertones… and you would be quite astute.

Further, do not presume any change. Ever. When earth reverses polarity, when North becomes South, concrete direction may prove ambiguous; however, rest assured, my answer will not.

No means no.

Is Google really an Evil capitalist? Maybe not, but they’re sending a mixed message. 

Google’s GMail, Search, Calendar, Doc, etc. are slick for a reason: they wants you to use their free products so they can show you more ads and generate more revenue. However, Google’s bread-and-butter product, AdWords, resembles a 1990’s back-end business app coded in Oracle. It must be purposeful: it makes them more money.

If you haven’t played with adwords, I suggest you try it. Visit http://www.google.com/adwords/. 404-page? Right. Try again without the trailing slash. 

The first thing you’ll notice is that your Google login doesn’t work. The systems aren’t integrated. Go ahead and set up a new account (and make sure you use an acceptable password… my usual Google Account password is too short).

Great! You’re in. Buying ads for keywords is easy. Just search some keywords, set some bids for a top-3 spot, click continue, click continue again, make sure you accept the terms, click continue, click continue, and you’re good to go! 

Let’s track how you’re doing. Login to Analytics. Set up the tracking code on your website, and *BAM*, you’re tracking your pageviews. (Now, wait a few days for results to populate.)

(Just don’t forget to link your Analytics account to your AdWords account– I’m still not sure how I did it or if it’s working.) 

So, you go back to AdWords. Oh, were you logged in with an account (your Google Account, not your Google AdWords account) that already has an AdSense account? Don’t worry, Google will let you know that you probably wanted AdSense, and forget to give you the option of logging out or linking to your AdWords account. So, browse to Google.com, sign out, and get back to AdSense. (Remember to omit the last slash.)

The first thing you’ll notice is that your convergence goals aren’t tracking. That’s because you didn’t put in the convergence tracking code into your website. Now, wait a few more days. Note: this is separate code from the Analytics tracking. Also note: You’re still not exactly sure how or if your Analytics and AdWords accounts are linked.

Alright! So we’re up and running. You’re getting visitors, they’re converging, and you’ve started tracking which keywords work and which ones don’t. Now, scroll through the 1,000 keywords you’ve purchased and start weeding out the bad ones. … One at a time… It might take all night, but it’s worth it. Get those convergence rates up and start a bidding war on those valuable keywords.

…

Ultimately, most buyers of AdWords won’t get that far. It’s not in Google’s interest. They want most people to be over-bidding and spending less time with the system, optimizing their AdWord purchases. But, given Google’s proven ability to create slick, well-received apps, this tactic feels borderline evil.

There are too many “Sorry I missed your birthday” cards. This bodes poorly for society. 

Since when did breaking commitments become acceptable social practice? The market for witty proxy apologies is booming.* Diligent and timely communication, thanks in part to cellphones and text messages, gives way to half-assed correspondence and lackadaisical relationship management. 

Enough, already!

For the sake of brevity, let’s get to it:

Gruen’s Rules of Integrity. 

1. Rule: If you say you’re going to do something, do it… even if at great cost to you.
    
2. Rule: If you must break Rule 1 for whatever reason, notify any relevant parties immediately.
   The broken commitment may be due to unforeseen circumstances or prohibitive cost– the reason is less important than the effort. People can sense insincerity.
    
3. Rule: Make up broken commitments as soon as possible.
   Be extra sure not to break that one.
    
4. Rule: Number 2 is the exception, not the rule.
   If you find yourself breaking commitments often, stop making commitments that you will likely break. Learn why you do this, and fix it.
    
5. Rule: Being “flighty” is not an excuse.
   However, pragmatically, it is OK to break commitments with flighty people after they have personally demonstrated their flightiness to you. With these individuals, it’s OK to make other commitments provided you inform the third party of the situation. 
    
6. Rule: Don’t overcommit. Say No.
   Committing to everyone means committing to no one. It’s OK to say ‘no’, or ‘no for now’. 
     
7. Rule: Be Honest.
   Don’t lie. Though, there’s no obligation to speak the entire truth or offer information. 

Succinctly: Be Considerate.

More on this later. (And you can count on that.)

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*Don’t believe me? Visit your local card store or pharmacy and take notice of “regret” cards.