Michael E. Gruen

If you’re unwilling to put your hands in your mouth, wash your hands before using the bathroom.

I don’t understand it why we, as a culture, prioritize hand washing at the conclusion and not at the beginning of bathroom excursions. The genitals and surrounding areas have to be the cleanest parts of the body. Shower-washed and wrapped in clean cotton for most of the day, it’s a pretty sanitary place. The world at large, not so much.

Paradoxically, we handle our most sensitive bits with our most promiscuous body part: our hands. Hands that have rubbed public railings, opened doors, manhandled money. Hands that have tied shoes, rode the subway, scratched butts. Hands that have touched nearly everything in reach. These hands store all that residue and apply it directly to the most bacteria-friendly area of the body: the crotch.

And yet, we’re trained to wash our hands only after we use the bathroom as a courtesy to the rest of the world. Though the world thanks you, this makes no sense.

So, I’m declaring the Mouth Hand Rule: handle your naughty bits only if you’re comfortable, at that very moment, with putting your hands in your mouth. (For those with special friends, think also about why this is a courteous gesture.)

In general, you’ll fail the test. So, wash your hands, use the toilet. In that order. If applicable, wash your hands again.

No. Let me explain.

It begins with the letter, ‘N’, and while you reckoned a three letter response, yours has only two. Not one of them is a ‘Y’, ‘E’, or ‘S’, as you may have fancied, so I strongly advise you reassess things.

It is, you’ll find, the exact opposite of your expectations. You were likely anticipating a wide smile, corners furling in affirmation; but, instead, you were met with tight lips. Do not misinterpret this as a playful “kissy-face”; inasmuch, you may sense derisive undertones… and you would be quite astute.

Further, do not presume any change. Ever. When earth reverses polarity, when North becomes South, concrete direction may prove ambiguous; however, rest assured, my answer will not.

No means no.

Don’t ever ask, “what do you do?” without an exit strategy.

Done right, an elevator pitch effectively communicates occupation and value. Done wrong, it inflicts great amounts of boring and anxiety. Generally, people suck at elevator pitches. Here’s how to avoid getting stuck between floors.

(By the way, they call it an “elevator pitch” because the “pitch” should be about as long as an elevator ride. Living in New York City, I can assure you both elevator rides and elevator pitches feel much longer than they actually are. My friends will note that I just signed a one-year lease on a walk-up.)
 

1. Don’t ask the question.
   Find an alternative. My favorite: “What’s your story?” If they look like the droning type, append, “in 10 words or less… and make it interesting.” It gives your new acquaintance the opportunity to avoid their poorly-rehearsed pitch.
    
2. Don’t try to network.
   Sure, you went to a networking event to, well, network; but really, your career counselor gave you bad advice. Approach people, even at networking events, as you would a stranger in a bar or at a book signing. Tell a story or a joke, ask what they thought of some recent news, or just make some funny faces. Your stranger will become a friendly, see value in you socially, and tell you what they do without all the sales bullshit (because they too think it sounds like bullshit). Then, if they know how to help you, they’ll do it without prompting. And hell, you might even like them as a person.
    
3. Don’t take the bait.
   It’s better to be interesting and vague than boring and specific.

   Your response to, “What do you do?” should be succinct: 10 – 15 words, tops. Your goal is to get your questioner to show genuine interest in what you do and not just wait their turn. If what you say isn’t interesting to them, just stop talking about what you do and talk about something else. If they are interested, they’ll let you know and get more out of you than you ever could from a canned response. Additionally, your conversation partner will likely follow the same format.

   (By the way, I run a music company that teaches private, in-home lessons.)

4. Interrupt and segue.
   Without prompting, warning, or permission, your newest contact has launched into an elevator pitch. Let her finish her first sentence, and then stop her. Quickly and politely. Ask how her company’s different than competitors. Or, how she likes her job. Or, ask anything that should be contained in an elevator pitch. Then, exchange business cards and move on. If her goal is to sell you on a service or product without asking anything about you, she’ll take solace that you’ve taken her information with a promise to check it out and follow up.

A skilled communicator articulates the information you want to hear without you having to ask, converting elevator pitches into relevant conversations. Unskilled communicators hand you a verbal pamphlet.

Learn to say, “No, thank you.”